Eric
Church:
Sweat, Spandex, and Thai Bo
Martial artist Eric Church’s (aka “Thai-Bo”, aka “Starbucks”,
aka “Shaky”, and aka "Call Me 'Thai-Bo' Again and I'll
Kill You") life is surrounded by a shroud of mystery. However, careful
research can provide interesting pieces to the "riddle wrapped in
an enigma" which is his past. Born into poverty in a remote area
of the Appalachian Mountains, he was raised by his great-great-great
grandparents, while his parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and
great-great-grandparents ventured into the wilderness in search of fresh
'coon for dinner. Although his great-great-great-grandparents certainly
meant well, poor hearing, failing eyesight, and diminishing mental faculties
led to a misunderstanding, which would shape Eric's destiny. As his parents,
grandparents, great-grandparents, and great-great-grandparents left on
their 'coon trek, they told his great-great-great grandparents to "Look
after the kid." Thus Eric would spend the next six months in the
goat pen next to the house. However, it was during these six months that
Eric would develop a fondness for kicking things, head butting things,
and eating rather odd food combinations.
Information on his life after this is a little vague for a while, but
the skills he learned in the goat pen would serve him well later in life
when, on his 17th birthday, Eric enlisted in the Army. His initial evaluations
show that he was almost rejected following his aptitude test. However,
he was allowed a re-test, and after a cup of Starbucks coffee, he was
described as "highly motivated", "energetic", and "not
a people person." He qualified as expert infantryman, air assault,
airborne, ranger, Special Forces, and MRE Disposal Unit. He served with
distinction for 6 years.
His life would take another turn in 1983 when he led an advanced team into Grenada ahead of the main invasion. Although his mission was successful, a freak can-opener accident left him blinded and severely wounded, and he was left for dead in the pandemonium that followed. He was found by native Grenadians and nursed back to health. Over the next couple years they taught him how to deal with his blindness, throwing coconuts at him and teaching him to punch, head butt, knee, or Thai kick them out of the air.
After a few years, he was discovered by a National Geographic film team and returned to the United States. At this point the records become somewhat fuzzy again. It is believed that for a while he went from job to job, putting his Grenadian Thai boxing skills to use in various ways as a bail bondsman, bounty hunter, security guard, Border Patrol agent, U.S. Marshall, parking enforcement officer and Amway salesman. However, it is believed that the increased violence of the times forced him to seek out additional personal defense training.
After much searching, he is thought to have begun training at the famed Marshal Artz Konsepts school (motto: "We fight better than we spell.") under Guro Mike Krivka. Rumors say that it was there that a freak Biu Gee accident returned his sight. His current occupation and location are unknown, but sources have reported a silver Nissan X-terra tearing down the roads in Iraq, the driver with his head out the window, screaming, "THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING, @SSHOLE!
