Nick 'Mykola' Machnowsky:
The Unpublished, Unauthorized, Untrue Biography
Superstar martial artist Nick 'Mykola' Machnowsky has always known he was destined for greatness. Born on a rhubarb farm in central Ukraine, his parents named him Nickstanislausmykola Machnobzryklrzowsky. His parents loved him very much, and as their only son, they wanted to be sure he had the best education possible. When he was 5yrs old, his parents acquired a black market betamax copy of “Revenge of the Drunken Masters Five Animals Blind Fists of Tai Chi Fury.” He was completely captivated. Enraptured. For the next 6 months, young Nick leapt about the village, waving his hands about and making kung fu noises. Finally, a neighbor who was retired Spetsnaz, approached Nick’s parents and offered to teach young Nick some martial arts if his parents would keep him quiet. Nick’s excitement soon turned to confusion. While he found this to be somewhat interesting, he didn’t remember anyone using leg locks in the movie. He also could not fathom what was the purpose of holding that 88lb cannonball over his head. However, he stuck with the training, continuing to study diligently. However, during the Rhubarb Riots of the early ‘80’s, Nick’s neighbor lost his farm, and moved east to start over. Broken hearted, but undeterred, Nick vowed to continue his training by any
means possible. However, by the late ‘80’s his supply of bootleg Jackie Chan movies was drying up. By the time the Iron Curtain fell, his situation was desperate. Thus he bid teary farewell to his parents and boarded a plane for the world’s martial arts Mecca.

He arrived in Cleveland, Ohio with just $17 in his pocket and the clothes on his back. To facilitate his rise to fame, he decided to change his name to something more easily recognized and remembered by the American populace. He considered Nicky M., N. Diddy, The Machmeister, Vanilla Mach, The Machnorama, Villi Machnilli, and Sting, but eventually settled on just a slight shortening of his given name, Nick Machnowsky. Now that he had a new name, he needed a new job to pay for some more martial arts lessons. As fortune would have it, one of Julio Iglesias’s bodyguards had just been injured
during the Toledo Rutabaga Riots and Julio was unable to continue his tour until the position was filled. Nick jumped at the chance- a paying job AND the chance to travel to new places to study martial arts! He took full advantage of this opportunity. As the tour snaked it’s way through Ohio, Nick was had the opportunity to study Tae Kwon Do, Taekwon Do, Taekwondo, Traditional Tae Kwon Do, Sport Tae Kwon Do, and Korean Karate. What a country! However, Nick began to wonder, there are 50 states in the U.S…might other states also have such greatness to offer? So he gathered all his belongings, emptied his savings account and boarded a plane.

He arrived in Los Angeles, CA with just $17 in his pocket and the clothes on his back. As luck would have it, the first school he tried was the Inosanto Academy of Martial Arts. It was incredible. So many amazing things that he had never seen before. He stayed as long as could, but after 2 days the traffic and the smog started to get to him. He needed to be someplace were driving was easier and the air was cleaner. Driving sure would be easier if he didn’t have keep making those pesky left turns. And the air would be cleaner with more gardens…sort of a garden state…

He arrived in New Jersey with just $17 in his pocket and the clothes on his back. In order to get some positive cash flow, he combined his love for humanity with his bodyguard and martial arts skills, founding the Philanthropic Agency for Manly Activities. The next problem was to continue his martial arts exploration. While attending a local Guro Inosanto seminar, he noticed a particularly quiet and well-mannered group sequestered in a far corner. This turned out to be a group from the not-yet famous Martial Arts Koncepts School, led by the nearly infamous Guro Mike “Jagged Machete” Krivka. Their quiet and reserved – almost reverent – demeanor seemed to be a perfect match for Nick. Although their school was out of state, it was at least in the nearby state of Maryland, a mere 1000 miles (approximately a 3 hour drive) away. Nick needed less than a moment to decide – this was his next adventure. He has since become a certified instructor and has earned the “Slowest Driver” award and “Pinball Wizard” medal.